A sexless marriage can feel confusing, lonely, or embarrassing to talk about. Many couples worry that something is “wrong” with them or their relationship. But the truth is that sexless marriages are very common. Studies show that about 15–20% of married couples report having sex only a few times a year or not at all. Many more go through long periods where intimacy
drops because of stress, health issues, or life changes.
A sexless marriage does not mean your relationship is broken. It simply means something is getting in the way of closeness—and most of those barriers can be understood and worked through.
How Did This Happen?
A sexless marriage rarely happens overnight. It usually builds slowly over time. Understanding the causes helps both partners see the bigger picture instead of blaming themselves or each other.
Medical Causes
Bodies change, and those changes can affect sexual desire or comfort. These issues are common and treatable. A medical provider can help identify what’s going on.
- Hormone changes – Menopause, low testosterone, thyroid issues, and other shifts can lower libido.
- Chronic pain — Back pain, pelvic pain, arthritis, and other conditions can make sex uncomfortable.
- Medications — Some antidepressants, blood pressure medications, and other prescriptions can reduce desire.
- Fatigue or sleep problems — When the body is exhausted, sex often becomes less of a priority.
Emotional Causes
Emotions play a huge role in intimacy. When feelings get jumbled, sex often becomes harder. Emotional closeness and sexual closeness often rise and fall together.
- Stress — Work, parenting, finances, or family pressure can drain energy.
- Feeling disconnected — When partners stop spending quality time together, physical closeness often fades too.
- Resentment — Unresolved arguments or hurt feelings create emotional distance.
- Low self-esteem — Feeling unattractive or insecure can make someone pull away.
Psychological Causes
Mental health and past experiences can also shape sexual desire. None of these causes mean a person is “broken.” They simply mean the couple may need support, patience, and new tools.
- Anxiety and/or Depression— Worrying about performance, rejection, or conflict can shut down desire. Depression often lowers energy and interest in sex.
- Past trauma — People who have experienced past trauma may struggle with physical closeness.
- Body image struggles — Feeling uncomfortable in your own skin can make intimacy feel overwhelming.
How to Talk About It Without Blame
Sex is important in a marriage. It may be only one part of a marriage, but it is important in creating intimacy and forming a close connection.
Talking about a sexless marriage can feel awkward, embarrassing, or scary. Many people worry about hurting their partner’s feelings or starting a fight. But healthy communication is key to rebuilding closeness. Below are some suggestions to help couples talk about intimacy in a safe, respectful way.
Start with Kindness
Begin gently. You might say: “I love you, and I miss feeling close to you. Can we talk about how we’re both feeling?” This sets a warm tone instead of a defensive one.
Listen for Understanding, Don’t Interrupt
Let your partner share their feelings fully. Try to understand their experience instead of preparing your response. Listening builds trust and safety.
Try to Stay Curious, Not Critical
Ask gentle questions:
- “What has intimacy felt like for you lately?”
- “Is anything making closeness harder right now?”
- “How can I support you?”
Curiosity opens doors. Criticism closes them.
What Can Couples Do to Rebuild Intimacy and Emotional Closeness?
Rebuilding intimacy is possible. It takes patience, honesty, and small steps. Sex often grows from emotional connection. Try:
- Spending quality time together
- Sharing daily highs and lows
- Doing fun activities together
When partners feel close emotionally, physical closeness becomes easier.
Start with Non-Sexual Touch
Touch does not have to lead to sex. Removing pressure can help desire return naturally. Maybe start with:
- Holding hands and sitting close on the couch
- Hugging
- Gentle back rubs
- Taking showers together
- Cuddling before bed
These small moments help rebuild comfort and trust.
Make Time for Intimacy
Busy schedules can push sex to the bottom of the list. Setting aside time for closeness—even if it’s just cuddling or talking—helps keep the connection alive,
Explore New Ways of Being Intimate
Intimacy is not only about intercourse. Couples can explore:
- Kissing
- Touching
- Massage
- Talking about fantasies
- Sharing what feels good emotionally or physically
This helps both partners feel involved and satisfied.
How Can a Marriage & Family Therapist (MFT) Help?
A marriage & family therapist is trained to help couples understand their patterns, communicate better, and rebuild emotional and physical intimacy. Many couples avoid talking about sex because they fear conflict or embarrassment. An MFT provides a calm, safe, supportive environment where both partners can speak openly. Their goal is to support both partners equally and not blame one partner over the other.
They Help Identify the Root Causes
An MFT can help couples explore:
- Emotional disconnection
- Stress or resentment
- Past trauma
- Mismatched desire
- Medical or psychological factors
Understanding the “why” makes it easier to find solutions.
They Teach Healthy Communication Skills
Therapists help partners learn how to:
- Use “I” statements
- Listen without interrupting
- Share needs clearly
- Reduce defensiveness
These skills often improve intimacy in many areas of the relationship.
They Guide Couples in Rebuilding Connection
An MFT may offer exercises that strengthen emotional closeness, such as:
- Appreciation practices
- Gentle touch exercises
- Shared activities
- Reconnection rituals
These small steps help rebuild comfort and desire.
Final Thoughts: You’re Not Alone
Sexless marriages are far more common than most people realize. Many couples go through seasons where intimacy fades. With understanding, communication, and teamwork, closeness can grow again. You deserve a relationship where both partners feel loved, valued, and satisfied.