Learning about the ongoing affair (affairs) by one’s partner is incredibly traumatic.   While this experience can be devastating, it doesn’t mean that the real relationship is over; however it does mean there is serious work to be done to salvage a family.  We often find that the unfaithful partner is using the sexual fantasy (or a toxic relationship) to self-medicate the guilt or shame he/she is feeling.  Fear of a failure to reconcile can be just as anxiety provoking as the fear of success for both parties.  It is a significant challenge but one that is achievable, with long-term benefits.  For the betrayed partner, they may experience acute stress symptoms similar to PTSD; it can wreak havoc on any individual dealing with it.  Typically the trauma impacting the faithful partner manifests itself in:

 

  • Obsessing about the betrayal
  • Hyper-vigilance (searching bills, phones, emails, files, etc.)
  • Emotional instability
  • Difficulty sleeping, nightmares
  • Isolating
  • Severe anxiety
  • Depression

With the unfaithful, if there have been multiple affairs, there is an increased likelihood that a sexual addiction exists.  An affair alone can bring an entire different set of symptoms that are similar to those of an addict.  These would include loss of control, or an inability to stop the behavior, obsession / preoccupation, as well as serious life-long consequences associated with the behavior.

One of the tragedies for the faithful who has not been given the truth about the cheating is that they are being denied their reality.   Late nights, weekend business trips eventually become the norm. This can continue for years without their knowledge.  It is not uncommon for the unfaithful to accuse their partner of being paranoid and mistrusting. With these accusations they are made to feel emotionally unstable and insecure.  It is only with a full disclosure that the partner is given the opportunity to contend with their reality in order to find relief from questioning their intuition, let alone their sanity.

It is also not uncommon for the betrayed to be self-destructive as they learn to cope with an emotionally and physically unavailable spouse.  Drinking, using drugs, or other destructive behaviors make way for regrets that only adds to going deeper into despair.  Sometimes a betrayed spouse will retaliate with cheating back only to hate themselves for the acting out with a destructive fantasy.

Betrayed partners have good reason to feel hurt, overwhelmed, angry, and confused in the midst of the crisis.  PTSD symptoms may not have evolved to this point, however the emotions still need validation.  This validation for their feelings, support in processing the shame of being betrayed, as well as empathy for how their life has been affected is critical.  Managing rage, addressing potential physical healthcare issues (STDs), boundaries, in addition to destructive forms of interrogation are important issues.

For betrayed partners, the greatest concern is what to do with how they move forward with their lives.  Walking out on a damaged relationship is not wrong, nor is it wrong to choose to stay in the relationship.  Growing forward is foundational for recovery.  It’s not so much about staying or leaving as much as it is moving in a direction that enables personal growth beyond the traumatic loss.  If you and your partner decide to seek treatment for an affair, finding the right therapist to help you through the process is extremely important.  Look for a therapist who understands relationships and has experience in helping couples work through affairs and infidelity.  By addressing these issues, you and your partner have the opportunity to resolve these experiences and discuss how best to move forward with your lives.